


I Did Something Terrible

by moonqueen



Category: EXO (Band), f(x)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 10:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7931980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonqueen/pseuds/moonqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All events of her past now seem to fade together into one big blur of not-so-bad memories. <br/>In the meantime Sehun can do nothing but to stand and watch her burn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Did Something Terrible

**Author's Note:**

> Re-uploaded with permission from the original author.

”So,” Baekhyun says with a grin and points at Soojung, “I see you’re finally drinking again?”

It’s not that Soojung dislikes Baekhyun; sometimes she’d just prefer him not being present. He’s always been that boy in class who wouldn’t stop mocking or making fun of others to cure his own insecurities. No matter what you did he’d turn it into some big joke for everyone to laugh at for eternity. “I see you unfortunately haven’t stopped drowning your sad self in alcohol?”

Jinri smacks her arm, “be nice, we’re trying to have fun here, Baekhyun’s just happy you’re finally willing to go out with us again, aren’t you Baekhyun?” She sends the boy a smile, “let’s talk about something else. Do you remember Kwon Yuri, that dark-skinned girl who used to be good friends with Sooyeon?” Soojung flinches at the mention of her sister. “Well she’s apparently recently come out as a lesbian and I don’t really know what to think about it? I mean it’s courageous and all, but it’s a bit weird isn’t it?”

Soojung rolls her eyes and places her head on Sehun’s shoulder, he still smells like cologne instead of liquor, he’s held back on the soju because he knows she’s still uncomfortable with it, “who cares?” She mumbles, truly not interested, “and who cares that she’s dark-skinned? So is Sunyoung,” she eyes the girl sitting across her, “Yuri was never straight, all her friends knew that already, Sooyeon knew it back in high school.”

“Perhaps she was dating Sooyeon at that time?” Baekhyun asks, Sooyeon pours the rest of her champagne all over him, “what?” he exclaims in an offended tone, “You just said there was nothing wrong with being gay?”

Sehun hands his friend a handkerchief, “it’s not the sexual orientation, it’s talking about her sister that’s wrong you dickhead. We’ll leave now.” He still hasn’t drunken more than half a bottle of soju when he and Soojung make their way out of the bar, she reminds herself to thank him later for not drinking a terribly lot in her presence. “I’m so sorry about Baekhyun,” he says with an annoyed groan, “he’s so inconsiderate to other people’s feelings I have no idea what’s wrong with him. He’s always been like that.”

She slides her hand into his, slowly intertwining their fingers, “it’s okay, I’m simply not used to going out with so many people yet, it only gets worse when alcohol is involved. I wanted to spend a joyful night with you; really, I’m the one to apologise.” Just a month ago she sat in a psychiatric hospital, fighting a tough fight against her misanthropic tendencies as well as the binging-purging anorexia that’s been hunting her the last two years, never in a million years did she expect she’d ever be able to go out again, and perhaps she’d been just right about that.

“But you ate,” he tightens his grip around her hand, “without purging again afterwards, you endured through almost two hours in a bar full of drunken people. If Baekhyun hadn’t been such a fucking asshat we would’ve been able to spend more time there without suffering.”

As much as she truly hates seeing her boyfriend beat himself up over things like these, Soojung can’t help but feel a little glad that he cares so much, “I’m okay,” she confesses despite not knowing if it’s true or not, “alcohol just bothers me for many other reasons. Eating without throwing up is no problem these days. Trust me.”

 

They’ve been together for three and a half years now, since their final year of high school. Back then Sehun was an awkward kid who somehow managed to be popular nonetheless, maybe because he used to hang around Kim Jongin and Lee Taemin.

Mentioning Jongin’s name still sends cold chills down Soojung’s spine these days, even though it’s been five years since it all went down. They were high school sweethearts before she got introduced to Sehun, Jongin was a beautiful boy , a dance trainee at SM Entertainment with sun-kissed skin, thick lips and a mesmerising deep voice that could make every girl swoon. He was good to Soojung when she was around, he always gave her expensive gifts, took her out on various exciting types of dates, he even choreographed a dance dedicated to her, one he’d use in as many performances as possible.

Then there were all the things Jongin never told her. How he’d kiss her goodbye before he went to the SM building only to make out with Kang Seulgi in the practise room later the same day, how he’d tell Soojung the choreographies where inspired of her, every move his body made telling the story of their love, when in reality it was all for Seulgi, how he’d have a nametag in his room with the letter ‘S+J’ on it, saying it was for her, despite the tag being a birthday present from Seulgi. Soojung would eventually find out whilst looking through his text messaging to ‘Seulgibear <3’, one of the messages mentioning how Soojung definitely needed to lose weight in order for him to even recognise her as a potential partner in life.

Back then she acted strong, she didn’t share a tear when she kicked him in the groin and ran out of his house. Whenever she met him in the hallways she’d remove her gaze, acting as if they’d never known each other.

To be fair people only thought she was strong because they didn’t see her cry in her room at five AM due to yet another sleepless night, they never heard the countless arguments she had with her mother, they didn’t see her skip meals, only to binge and purge later; they didn’t hear her roaring screams when her older sister left home to never return. Nobody heard anything, with the exception of Oh Sehun.

She never expected it to be Oh Sehun, of all people, the last person she expected to care just slightly about her ended up being the one to save her.

He was Jongin’s best friend so Soojung kind of new who he was, therefore she also tried her best to avoid him when he first approached her in their classroom one afternoon the two of them were assigned to clean after school. “I’m sorry on Jongin’s behalf,” he had said, ‘till this day she still remembers the words clearly, “I had no idea he was cheating on you, if I knew I would’ve told you, I swear.” She didn’t answer, so he continued, “I tried to tell him that what he did to you was unfair and that he owes you an apology, that’s the least he can do, but he doesn’t listen. I haven’t really talked to him for two months now, and since he’s not going to say sorry I’ll do it for him.”

“I don’t need your apologies,” she then said, “just leave me alone.” Tears appeared in her eyes; in a matter of seconds Sehun was there to wipe them away. That afternoon she cried her heart out and he was willing to listen, not just on that rainy day, but for all the sad days that were to come. She would forever be thankful for that.

She’s still thankful now, when lying next to him in bed at night, nuzzling her head against his shoulder, not knowing if he’s awake or not, it doesn’t matter anyway, the sound of his deep breaths is enough to make her feel safe.

Making love to Sehun is different than it was with Jongin too. Jongin was very dominant; Sehun is more submissive and willing to let her be in control when she wants to be. That might be why sex isn’t as difficult to deal with as it used to be, when she was with Jongin it wasn’t something she looked forward too, it was just something she did to make him happy. When she has sex with Sehun it’s the only time of the day she’s able to forget all her worries and let herself enjoy the moment.

That’s also why she indifferently shrugs when Sehun tells her he doesn’t have any condoms on him, “we’ll take that later.”

 

So when she stands in the supermarket a week later to buy a pregnancy test, she’s honestly more excited than worried. She has thought of getting children many times in her life, it had always been obvious to her that she wanted a child someday, but that it might be at age 21 is quite the surprise.

She had lied and told Sehun she took an after-pill to avoid get pregnant, and that was also the plan, but when she stood with the pill in her hand the next morning she just couldn’t make herself do it. If she really was pregnant, it would be God’s way of telling her that now was the best time to become a parent.

Waiting for the test to turn positive or negative feels like the longest wait in her life, she’s home alone and walks back and forth in the living room with the test in her hand, not really sure about what result to pray for. On one hand she’d be slightly disappointed if the test proved negative, but she’d also be extremely delighted about not having to take care of a baby right now. On the other hand she’d be absolutely terrified if the test turned positive, because how in the world is she supposed to be a mother and a university student at the same time? She and Sehun are 22 and 21 years old, none of them had had younger sisters and therefore they stand with no knowledge about taking care of small children.

Sehun steps into the apartment just as the test has a result ready, and Soojung lets out a scream when she sees what awaits her; it’s positive. Sehun looks at her with a confused face; then he sees the pregnancy test in her hand and pulls her into a hug. He rarely cries, but right now the tears flow freely from his eyes like Soojung’s back in high school. “Are you sure?” He keeps saying over and over again, “are you sure? We should go to a doctor and get it checked, I can’t believe this.”

Soojung still hasn’t got it through her brain; she’s going to be a mum, she’s having a child, a beautiful little boy or girl who’s going to with her for the rest of her life.

“You’re keeping it, right?” Sehun asks, as if there ever was a doubt.

“Of course,” she replies.

 

After confirming with their doctor that she really is pregnant, Soojung and Sehun spend all their time looking at baby clothes, baby names, baby furniture, everything baby-related.

“We’re having a baby,” Sehun proudly announces a month later when they sit in a bar with Baekhyun, Sunyoung, and Jinri again, “why do you all look so scared?”

“Is Soojung ready to be a mother?” Baekhyun asks, in the entire world there is not a question Soojung would’ve hated to hear more, “I mean she just got discharged from the hospital and she still has difficulties with the simplest things.”

Until now the pregnancy has been surprisingly manageable, not once has she felt nauseous or dizzy, but suddenly Soojung feels the entire room spinning, it feels like the foetus in her stomach has gotten food poisoning and is vomiting inside her, “I need to go to the bathroom,” she excuses herself before running off, not knowing if it’s Baekhyun’s comment or the pregnancy that makes her feel sick.

“For Heaven’s sake!” She hears Sehun yell before hurrying after her, “Soojung wait for me!”

The toilet in the bar is gross like most public bathrooms, there is a worryingly big spider web right beside the sink, and not in her wildest dreams would Soojung ever entire a place like this out of free will, but she doesn’t really have the luxury of being prissy right now.

“Is everything okay?” Sehun asks, “well of course it isn’t okay because I can hear you puking, what I meant to ask is if you’ll be okay? Do you want to go home? I want to strangle Baekhyun sometimes I cannot believe he said that to you. You know I think you’ll make the best mum in the world.”

She would’ve thanked him if her head wasn’t bowed over the toilet bowl, “it’s normal for pregnant women to throw up,” she hears Sunyoung’s voice behind Sehun, “I wouldn’t worry so much if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about Baekhyun either, he’s just pissed because he can’t get laid for shit himself. You should see his face last week when Mijoo told him she wasn’t interest, funniest thing ever.”

“Not right now,” Soojung heard Sehun mumble to Sunyoung as he sits down beside the toilet bowl, “should we go home? You’ve done well tonight too; we’ve been out since 5 PM.”

She nods as she feels her stomach return to normal, “yeah, let’s go home.”

 

She didn’t expect pregnancy to be easy, but she didn’t really expect it to be like this either. It’s like being on her period, just 100 times worse, and instead of walking around with the constant fear of leaving blood stains, she walks around in fear of gaining more weight than she already has.

She craves a lot of food these days, which is not unusual for pregnant women, Soojung knows that, but she can’t help but feel anxious when her stomach screams for ice cream cake and her brain screams for exercising.

When she stands on the scale and sees the numbers go up she tries not to be afraid, but it’s difficult when she once promised herself she’d never get over 50 kilograms. “It’s because you’re pregnant!” Sehun exclaims when she confronts him about her worries one day, “our child is growing inside you, the weight isn’t fat, it’s a foetus and it’s only normal for it to grow, we should be more worried if you didn’t gain any weight at all.”

“If it’s a girl,” Soojung just says, changing the subject, “I want her name to be Sooyeon.”

“Like your sister?”

“Yeah.”

“If it’s a boy?”

“Jihun?”

Sehun blushes for a second and Soojung laughs at him, “Oh Jihun,” he says to himself, she nods, “I like that.”

There are more and more occasions in which Soojung finds herself acting strange or feeling sick, she blames it on the baby. It’s been three months since she found out about her pregnancy, so her first ultrasound is getting near, she doesn’t know whether it excites her or not.

Her constant food cravings have stopped, instead she’s started dieting. According to her calorie counting app on her phone, she should be losing about ½ kilogram per week, but since she’s pregnant she supposes she’ll stay around her normal weight instead, which is okay for her. Sehun is constantly nagging, telling her she _has_ to eat more than usual, and that it’s dangerous to diet, she doesn’t listen. If Sehun’s not home she likes to skip a meal and work out for an hour more than usual, even though she gets tired more easily than before, she insists on preparing dinner every night to make sure she cuts down the carbs in her own serving compared to Sehun’s. It’s not something she tells him, he’s simply glad she’s physically (and mentally) strong enough to be around food. When her eating disorder was at its peak she’d get nauseous just by looking at it.

“Do you want to know what gender it is when we go to ultrasound?” He asks as they eat dinner.

Soojung eagerly nods, “definitely, I know it might take some of the surprise, but if I know the gender I’ll be able to address the foetus as either Sooyeon or Jihun. It’s a bit weird to just call it ‘baby’.”

Sehun slowly opens his mouth, looking slightly nervous about what he’s about to say, “uhm, I know you don’t like going out these days, but Jinri texted me earlier today, she’s throwing a birthday party and wants to know if we want to come. I suppose she texted me instead of you because she knew you’d say no.”

“We could go and stay there for like an hour or two,” Soojung likes Jinri, she really does, but the other girl’s extroverted attitude could be overwhelming at times, Soojung often found herself stressed out at the thought of going to a party, whilst Jinri would be head over heels in joy for weeks if she knew there’d be an excuse to get drunk. Jinri’s also been one of her best friends for a long time, so she kind of feels obligated to go too. “And you can’t drink.”

“Of course not, that’s a deal.”

 

 

Sehun was never a fan of Jinri, he still isn’t, but he has some kind of twisted hope that her company might cheer Soojung up, the pregnancy was supposed to bring them happiness, not sorrow.

“You look so thin!” Jinri literally screams when they arrive at the party, her eyes keep going back and forth between Sehun and Soojung so he has absolutely no idea who she’s talking to, in the end Soojung says “thank you” with a smile brighter than any expression she’s shown within the last months, so he decides to go with the flow and let the compliment get to her. 

“I’ve been following this diet,” Soojung then proceeds to telling Jinri everything about her food intake of the last ten years of her life, leaving Sehun alone at the doorstep wondering why in the world she never told him she was dieting.

That’s when Baekhyun appears in front of him and drags him to the living room, “I’ve got this crazy plan for tonight,” he confesses with a grin, “you know Do Kyungsoo, right?”

Sehun thinks about it for a second, he vaguely recalled someone in their high school being named Kyungsoo, but he couldn’t really remember any specific traits, “maybe, why?”

“The last two months there’s been something on my mind, you know I’ve never had any good luck with the ladies,” Baekhyun hits his arm when Sehun mumbles “obviously”, “so I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be gay.”

Nearly falling to the ground in shock, Sehun grabs Baekhyun’s arm for support, “you’re _what_?”

“I’m gay!” Baekhyun repeats, making sure nobody hears him, “and I’m going to confess my love to Do Kyungsoo tonight, it’s the perfect time and place.”

Leaning closer to his friend’s face, Sehun is suddenly able to smell an incredibly strong scent of vodka, “are you fucking drunk? Get the fuck away from me, I’m going to find Soojung, she needs me more than your idiotic ass right now.”

He finds Soojung sitting alone at a table with a huge smile on her face, “I’ve maintained my figure quite well, haven’t I? You can barely see that I’m knocked up, actually I don’t weigh much more than I did before I got pregnant, you can see that, can’t you?” She puts her head on his shoulder, and he feels chills running through his entire body, it’s just like when they first met, and if it weren’t for the outrageous words coming out of Soojung’s mouth, he would’ve enjoyed it.

“You haven’t gained weight through your entire pregnancy, at all?” Sehun takes Soojung’s hand in his to properly see just how bony it’s become, “that’s not healthy for ‘neither you nor the baby!” His heart breaks at the hurt expression in her eyes, but he doesn’t want to take his words back, “we had this talk earlier too, gaining weight is a natural part of a good pregnancy, it’s not your weight anyway, it’s the baby’s! Also you should know that I’d love you no matter how much you weigh-“

“Nobody asked for your opinion,” Soojung whines and places a kiss on Sehun’s lips, _this is so unlike her_ , he thinks just as an oh so familiar scent hits him, _vodka_ , “are you drinking?! Are you fucking drinking? Tell me you’re not, oh my god,” he has to bite his lip to not swear too much (and to keep himself from crying tears in frustration, he doesn’t cry in public, he just doesn’t), “we’re going home right now. I cannot believe I promised you not to drink so _you_ wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, yet you get drunk in vodka despite being pregnant.”

“Woah, Oh Sehun, isn’t it?”

Sehun sighs deeply as his name is called, when he notices who called him he only sighs deeper, “what the fuck do you want Jongin?” They haven’t seen each other since high school, Sehun swearing to God that he’d never have anything to do with the boy who broke Soojung’s heart all those years ago, and until now he’s been good at keeping his promise, “we’re leaving now, there’s no need to start drama.”

“I’m not here to start drama though,” Jongin’s eyes meet Soojung’s, he smirks, Sehun wants to punch him, “I didn’t even know you’d be here. I see you knocked her up, or has she just gotten fat.”

 _God damn it_ , Sehun tightens his grip around Soojung’s waist, she looks like she’s about to faint, “yes she’s pregnant you asshat, now get out of my sight.”

Jongin just laughs, raising his hands as if he was protecting himself from an attack, “your attitude sure has changed within the last few years Sehun, I recall you being extremely prudish in high school. I suppose having sex with Soojung changes everything about a man.”

Sehun has to close his eyes and think of God and Jesus for a few seconds in order to not punch Jongin in the face, “as I was saying, we’re leaving now, no need to start drama.”

“I bet you’re just jealous because you haven’t knocked Seulgi up yet, or I suppose you haven’t, where is she anyway? Did she dump your rusty ass?” Soojung seems surprisingly unaffected by Jongin’s comments, and Sehun prays she’ll forget it all tomorrow when the hangover hits her. Something about Jongin’s facial expression then changes, as if Soojung hit a weak spot, “oh?” It’s her turn to laugh, “is there a chance she dumped you because you couldn’t knock her up? Your dick was never any good.”

“That’s not what you thought in high schoo-“ Jongin doesn’t get to finish his sentence (Sehun is thankful) before Jinri runs toward them with an overly excited grin plastered across her face.

Jinri takes Jongin’s hand in hers, and Soojung’s in the other, before encouraging them to follow them outside, “Baekhyun is serenading Kyungsoo!” She beams, practically skipping to the garden, pointing at Baekhyun who definitely is on his knees, one hand stretched toward a short guy who must be Do Kyungsoo.   
“Kyungsoo you’ve made me realise something nobody else in this world ever could, you made me realise that I, Byun Baekhyun, am gay.”

Soojung laughs hysterically as she points out that Kyungsoo looks like someone who’s stuck between wanting to brutally murder Baekhyun and running away crying. Sehun doesn’t even know what to think, everything is too chaotic.

“I don’t know if our love is going to last forever, but I know that you’ve made me find myself and accept the truth about who I am, and I cannot thank you enough for that. You’re absolutely beautiful, and I beg you, go on a date with me, just one?” Sehun has never seen Baekhyun look more hopeful, and he’d feel sorry for his friend if only there weren’t a million other things bothering him at the moment.

“Why isn’t he saying anything?” Soojung whines, stomping the ground with her foot.

The entire garden is completely silent for what seems like an eternity, then Jongin opens his mouth, “because Kyungsoo’s fucking mute you idiot.”

Sehun decides it’s time to leave for good.

 

He doesn’t know exactly what to feel when he wakes up the next morning, a part of him is so angry with Soojung that no word in any language can describe it, another part of him is so angry with Jongin that he wants to hunt him down and destroy everything he loves, _another_ part of him feels incredibly sorry for Soojung because of what she must go through. He looks to his left and sees Soojung’s sleeping figure lying next to him, he’s thankful for her, he really is, so he cannot be mad at her for real. Not for more than a few seconds at least. “Are you feeling okay?” He asks her when she opens her eyes, she instantly closes them again, he laughs, “I’ll take care of breakfast then; anything in particular you want to eat? I have a lecture later so you’ll be home alone for most of the day.”

“I’m not hungry,” she whines, hiding her head in her pillow, “just bring me some painkillers, I haven’t had a hangover in a million years, I haven’t drank anything in a million years, I think I consumed enough calories yesterday to make up for the rest of my life.”

“Don’t forget that calories are energy for your body, you need them,” Sehun tries his best, well knowing that it won’t work, “listen, I know you’re tired, and I know you’ve had a really hard time living life the last months, but you need to promise me that you won’t drink again during this pregnancy, it’s not good for the child, it can cause different types of illnesses and deformities; I know we’ll love the child no matter what, but let’s not do any unnecessary harm, right?” Soojung sniffles and Sehun wants to take back all his words, “please don’t cry,” he mumbles and pulls her into a hug, “I just, ugh, I’m so sorry I asked you to go with me to that party, it’s all my fault anyway because I told you we had to go. Jongin just had to show up too, didn’t he? I hate him so much I cannot believe he said what he did. I’m so sorry. I’m the one who’s wrong here, not you.”

Soojung lets out a deep breath, “just let me sleep, I’ll eat something when you’re out.”

“Please do, not just for me or the baby, but for you too.”

 

Sehun doesn’t know why he’s not surprised when Soojung texts him at 3 PM telling him to come home immediately, he is however surprised when he finds an ambulance in front of their apartment building when he arrives thirty minutes later. “What’s going on?” He awkwardly taps one of the paramedics on the shoulder, trying his best to hide the worry in his voice.

“One of the residents of the building called an ambulance because she felt ill, we have it completely under control, no need to worry.”

“The resident isn’t Jung Soojung by any chance, is it?” Sehun hurries to the back of the ambulance and quickly recognises Soojung lying on a stretcher, “hey, that’s my girlfriend! Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on?”

A person who’s supposedly a doctor drags Sehun to the side, “are you her boyfriend? What’s your name?”

“My name is Oh Sehun and I’d like to be informed of what’s happening here, she texted me half an hour ago asking me to go home, she didn’t tell me she was sick! She had a hangover this morning but if I knew it was this bad I would never have left her side.”

“Nobody’s doubting your intentions, but we need proof that you’re her significant order to let you drive with us-“

“He’s telling the truth,” Soojung croaks from the stretcher, Sehun quickly nods, “let me go with her?” He pleads again, the doctor nods.

 

In the end it was just a fever, Sehun knows he should be thankful, but he isn’t, not really. Soojung looks deadly ill, he’s tried to talk to her about it, tried to cheer her up, tried to do anything that could somehow lighten up her mood just a bit, but nothing works. “With the exception of the baby in your stomach you look even skinnier than before you got pregnant,” he mumbles as they sit down at the dinner table, approximately a week after her acute hospitalisation, “I don’t want to argue, but you need to eat more than half a plate of food tonight.”

Soojung sends him an evil glare, but he’s immune, “you sound like my mother,” she mumbles, using her chopsticks to play with her food, “I have everything completely under control.”

“Did you hear a word of what I said? You look thinner than before your pregnancy, that’s not fucking normal, you’re supposed to gain weight when you carry a baby, not lose it. What you’re doing is unhealthy and I very much doubt you having it under control,” it wasn’t Sehun’s intention to sound rude, but a part of him feels like it’s the only way to make Soojung understand the impact of her actions.

“It’s my body, I’ll do what I want, I’m 22 years old this year Sehun; I’m not a child you need to babysit.”

“That’s where you’re wrong!” Sehun’s voice goes up an octave, “right now it’s not just _your_ body, it’s our future child’s body too! You can starve all you want once you’ve given birth, you’ll most likely lose a lot of weight when you give birth anyway! But right now it’s not all about you, it’s about _our_ baby, you’re going to kill it if you continue living like that! If you knew you weren’t ready for a pregnancy you should’ve gotten an abortion a long time ago!” He’s never yelled at her like this before, but he can’t help himself, he’s worried for Soojung, he’s worried for their baby, he’s worried for their future, and everything’s going to end in ruins if they don’t get back on track soon.

Soojung doesn’t answer for a few minutes, in fact, she doesn’t answer at all. Instead she throws her plate to the ground, shattering it into hundreds of smaller pieces, she then takes Sehun’s place and does the same thing without a word.

“Stop!” Sehun nearly flies out of his chair to prevent Soojung from breaking their bowls as well, “Soojung listen to me! Soojung, stop this! _Listen!_ ” She finally stands still and leans closer to Sehun, “I’m not doubting that it’s difficult for you, I’m just worried.”

Soojung buries her head in Sehun’s embrace and starts crying, it starts out as quiet sobs but quickly ends up at loud wails; Sehun feels his heart shatter like the plates did earlier. He strokes her back to make her calm down, but it’s no use so he decides to let her cry, she probably needs it.

 

It’s 4 PM the next Thursday Sehun receives a call that would change his life forever. He had just finished a two hour long skype video-chat with Baekhyun who needed to vent about his adventures with Kyungsoo. “I didn’t know he was mute! Nobody ever told me, I felt so stupid right at that moment, well I still feel stupid but you know it was worse at that moment. He left the party before I got to talk further to him, fortunately I ran into him at a bar like a week later, he’s friends with Jongin by the way, anyway Kyungsoo apparently hates me now because he gave me a headlock and sent me a message on Facebook saying ‘gtfo my life’.”

Sehun had tried his best to explain to Baekhyun why his methods of seductions were meant to fail from the beginning, but his friend was not to be convinced, so Sehun eventually hung up on him.

As bad as his conversation with Baekhyun had been, it was sure better than what was to come as he saw ‘Soojungie~♥’ on the caller-ID.

“Sehun?” Soojung’s voice cracks.

He nervously mumbles out a “mhm?”

“I did something terrible,” she says.

“It can’t be that bad, can it?” He tries to joke.

“It’s most likely worse than what you’re able to imagine,” she cries.

“Oh?” He bites his lip.

“I killed our baby.”

 

Silence, Soojung feels like it goes on forever. Sitting in the bathroom in a puddle of blood she’s given up on convincing herself the death of their baby isn’t her fault. It is her fault, she knows that.

Sehun had spent months convincing her to eat more, to take care of herself, for herself, for him, _for the baby_. She didn’t listen when she should’ve, and now she has a dead foetus in her arms. _Foetus_. It feels weird to call it that, it looks almost like a new-born child, Sehun’s eyes, Soojung’s nose, it’s a girl, her name is Sooyeon, she’s dead. “I don’t know why it happened!” Soojung screams into the phone as Sehun doesn’t say anything, “it felt like I was getting my period, but then the cramps kept coming, I thought I was going into labour but I didn’t have time to call anyone before she came out, and as soon as she came out she was dead! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Sehun is silent for only a few more minutes, “it’s a girl?”

“It was a girl, Sehun, she’s dead, she was dead as soon as I held her in my arms. She’s so tiny, I-I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll call an ambulance for you and meet you at the hospital.”

“Sehun I’m-“

He hangs up.

 

Soojung and Sehun don’t say anything to each other at first when he comes visit her in the hospital half an hour later, she lies in a hospital bed; he sits on a chair next to her.

“Where is she, Sooyeon?” Sehun finally asks, trying to seem as collected as possible, in reality he wants to yell at everything and everyone in anger.

Soojung looks down at her hands, afraid of facing her boyfriend, “I don’t know, I told the doctors to get her away from me, I couldn’t look at her. I’m so sorry,” she has a higher time hiding her emotions, so none of them are surprised when tears start falling from her eyes, “I shouldn’t’ve dieted, I should’ve listened to your advice, I killed her because I was so busy thinking about myself.”

Sehun bites his lip to avoid crying, it’s always harder for him to keep the tears away when Soojung’s sad, “it’s okay, you didn’t mean to do it. Maybe it just wasn’t our time to be parents yet, we’re still so young, we can try again.” He doesn’t know if he believes his own words or not, ‘neither does he know what Soojung believes, if she believes anything at all right now, “I’m not angry with you, I love you, I should’ve taken better care of you. Maybe I should’ve advised you to get an abortion months ago.”

“Y-you can ask Doctor Lee where Sooyeon is, he also told me we could get a drawing of her if we want to, t-that seems a little less morbid than a photograph of her dead body,” Soojung chokes back a sob when Sehun takes her hand, “I really didn’t mean to kill her, I really didn’t.”

“I know, I’ll go find Doctor Lee, will you be all right?”

“I don’t know how all right I should be allowed to feel right now, but by all means, go find him.”

 

It takes two months of hospitalisation, mainly to cure her guilt, for Soojung to somehow calmly stand in front of her daughter’s gravestone, her head yet again resting on Sehun’s shoulder, like it used to be all those months ago when they sat at bars with Jinri, Baekhyun, and Sunyoung.

“We’ll get through this together,” Sehun squeezes her hand. She doesn’t agree with him, but she nods her head nonetheless, there’s no need to worry him, “did you hear that Baekhyun finally got a date with some girl named Taeyeon, pretty impressive.”

Soojung can’t hide her smile, she hadn’t heard anything from Baekhyun for the last two and a half months, “so he got over Kyungsoo’s rejection?”

Sehun nods, “his story is just proof that no matter how sad things seem there’s light at the end of the tunnel.”

“Baekhyun’s situation is not comparable to ours at all-“

Sehun stops her words as he places a kiss on her lips, “you know what I mean, we’ll get through this.”

She still doesn’t agree with him, ‘nor does she believe his words, but she nods yet again to make sure that he at least keeps the faith.

 


End file.
